Lean Green Mommy Machine

Thoughts on health, wellness, living green and motherhood

Are We Taking Gentle Parenting Too Far?

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’m not a fan of spanking. It’s not part of how I choose to or want to parent. I don’t take issue with friends who choose to spank. Everyone has to make the right choice for their own family.

There are many aspects of gentle or peaceful parenting that resonate with me. I like to (try to) slow down and discuss things with my kids, understand their point of view, talk things out, etc.
As I am around more parents and families I see a gentle aspect to parenting gaining ground. I feel, for the most part, this can be very positive. I think we need less yelling, less anger and more understanding and patience. But I have begun to wonder…
are we taking this too far?

I’ve heard of many parents who won’t say the word “no” to their child. They find it to be too negative (um…duh?) and is somehow damaging to the child. But life is full of NOs and how are we preparing our kids for that reality if they never hear that word. And honestly, I have a kid who feels everything is merely in the negotiation stage if you haven’t said “no”. Sometimes we need to hear “no”.

Another recent discovery is not telling a child they are doing something wrong but rather trying to guide them to do it the right way but by their own choice. I’ll wait a minute to let you get your head around that…. Now, I’m all for freedom of expression with coloring and pretending blocks are cars, that sort of thing. But if a child is putting their sunglasses on upside down and keeps fidgeting with them because they feel funny, it is ok to say, “You have them on wrong. They go like this.” But what I was recently told was “I try not to tell him he is doing something wrong but rather explain that perhaps he would be more comfortable if he changed something.”

I really have a hard time believing that telling my kid that she did something wrong, something that has a definitive right and wrong way, is going to permanently scar her and make her never share feelings, trust others or be creative. And when my kid is an adult and her boss tells her she has done something wrong, if we have shielded her from this concept her whole life, will she then be confused, hurt and upset? Will she understand how to handle the situation?

One last aspect of gentle parenting I have read about is this idea that we shouldn’t impose our desire and need for cleanliness and order onto kids. That that is our choice on how we want to live and our kids may not be that type of person and it isn’t fair to impose our feelings and beliefs on them (and make them clean or give them consequences for not keep rooms tidy). This seems insane to me. I wish someone had imposed some cleanliness on me as a child. I have struggled as an adult to get myself in a routine of cleaning and organization. We can’t simply allow our children to live in filth because we don’t want to impose our beliefs and will on them.

We need to remember in all of this parenting business that we are ultimately raising adults who need to be a functioning part of society. I fail to see the logic in the idea that guiding them, teaching them and giving them boundaries and rules (and even “no”) based on our life experience and personal beliefs is ruining them for life and that leaving them to rule the house and their lives based on their whims will lead to far greater success and joy in life.


Author: leangreenmommy

Hi, I'm Sonia! I'm the mom of 4 wonderful daughters and wife to one amazing man, trying to live a healthier life, care for the earth and just survive the day. When I'm not cooking up new recipes in the kitchen or shuttling kids to soccer, volleyball and lacrosse I run an in-home daycare and am a freelance writer.

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